Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
