Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
