I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
