I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
