"it" just moved
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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