im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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