you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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