Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
