went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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