the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
