somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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