I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
