someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
