My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
