I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
