Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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