so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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