listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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