I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
