fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
