got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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