I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
