90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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