She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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