she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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