I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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