It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
