I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
