dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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