well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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