There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
