Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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