I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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