Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
