I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dicks are not precious.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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