This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
