I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
