Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
