So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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