I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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