Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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