your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
