i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
