Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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