I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
