another moral hangover. fuck.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
