i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
