We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
