I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
