the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
