If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Shame - the story of my life.
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