stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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