so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize