I wish I could teleport
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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