he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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