in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
