I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
