He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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