I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
