i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
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