you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize