I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
