I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
