I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
