im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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